Thursday, April 1, 2010

R.I.P. Captain Vegetable

“It is I,
Captain Vegetable,
With my carrot
And my celery.
Eating crunchy vegetables
Is good for me.
And they're good for you,
So eat them, too.
For teeth so strong,
Your whole life long,
Eat celery
And carrots by the bunch.
Three cheers for me, Captain Vegetable,
Crunch, crunch, crunch!”

The flags are at half mast on Sesame Street today in honor of its greatest hero, a muppet who devoted his all too brief existence to making the world a better place by encouraging healthy eating habits.

Captain Vegetable is dead and our lives are all the more somber for it.

On Monday at 12:35 EST, the legendary muppet superhero sacrificed his life to save 7-year old Prairie Dawn who was in danger of being run down while crossing the street by of an out-of-control meat delivery truck. Eye witnesses told authorities that Captain Vegetable was quick to act as soon as he spotted the danger little Prairie was in, dropping his carrot and his celery and rushing to her rescue without hesitation. While the Captain was successful in getting Prairie to safety, he failed to escape the path of the speeding vehicle himself.

The citizens of Sesame Street are still reeling from the shock, many of them being Muppets also saved by Captain Vegetable over the years.

Andy, who used to love candy, gives credit to the late, great Captain for weaning him off a diet consisting of mainly sweets: “When he first showed up, I was really freaked out. I mean I didn’t know eyebrows could grow to be that thick and bushy. Scary.”

Eddie, who used to consume vast quantities of spaghetti, also lamented the Captain’s passing: “I somehow knew deep down inside that eating just pasta was not the best thing for me. I owe Captain Vegetable a debt of thanks for making me realize that a diet that also includes fresh fruit and vegetables can do wonders for one’s natural health. But man…his eyebrows were very scary.”

Besides turning kids on to the world of edible vegetation, little else was known about this champion of justice besides him claiming to use a secret garden located in New Jersey as his base of operations. When not crusading solo he was a part of the Justice League of Sesame Street (JL of SS) which included other defenders of the downtrodden such as
Super Grover, Captain Breakfast, Wonder Pig and, of course, the all-powerful Super Beaker.

The runaway meat truck continued to spin out of control after killing Captain Vegetable and the driver was instantly killed when it crashed into the Sesame Street streetlight sign. This has left the authorities to speculate if this was perhaps a carefully planned act of foul play and not a true accident.

There were many that would benefit from Captain Vegetable’s death including, a human pretender to the throne that looks and sounds very much like actor John Leguizamo. This pretender has emerged in recent years claiming to be the one, true Captain Vegetable. This man is wanted by the police by questioning and people are advised to approach this individual with extreme caution.

The internet has also began to buzz on the possibility of the murder with conspiracy theorists already drawing parallels between Captain Vegetable’s death by meat truck with the freezing death of Captain Carrot over a year ago in a meat locker—a death the authorities have since officially ruled accidental.

In the days to come Sesame Street will be forced to cope with the loss of a savior that only wished for us to be properly nourished with the vitamins and antioxidants that come from a diet laden with vegetables. Captain Vegetable was brave, courageous, and had the most well-endowed set of eyebrows in known existence.

To paraphrase the late hero:

Three cheers for you, Captain Vegetable,
Crunch, crunch, crunch!


  1. So true.

    I think I will go make some whole-grain toast in his honor.


  2. I carrot believe this. I think I'll drown my sorrows with a lettuce and tomato on toast.

  3. Whoa! I was just thinking about toast too!


  4. I saw him on the news in a no-holds barred battle with The Avenging Drumstick and the Evil Master Baister. He was incredible.

    I will wear a lettuce leaf bonnet in his honor.

  5. "huh?" said crispy REAL bacon, on a plate all by itself.