Sunday, February 14, 2010

My Meatless Lovers

Day 105

I cannot stay in this relationship with you any longer.

Don't get me wrong, you are great to take to parties and cookouts but, well, I need someone more interesting in my life.

Yes, you are okay when we occasionally spice it up but there is only so much spice one can add to our affair before things go right back to being boring again. I still want to stay in touch. We can still be friends.

I had some great times with you Boca Burger.

Hello Morningstar Fake Sausage. It is always nice to spend some naughty time with you. I don’t need any of those “real” sausage patties. They just aren’t good for me like you are. You are always great to experience in the morning hours. Every time I sink my teeth into you or run my tongue over your rough, textured surface my sense of taste goes wild. You always leave me begging for more and you never give me a hard time about seeing others. Our open relationship is something I cherish.

Once I used to fool around with those "real" sausage patties. Every time I finished I felt so…guilty. With you, it’s clean and guilt free. Mmmm yeah, baby.

I don’t care what my friends and family think of you Moringstar Fake Sausage. Our casual arrangement suits me just fine. Just thinking about you has me licking my lips in anticipation.

And hello to you too Chipotle Black Bean Burger. Don't think I didn't see you over there pretending to be so coy. I am so glad you could stop by to slip under the whole grain bread covers with me. When I kiss you I can taste an experienced lover who already comes with all the spice I need. You can satisfy me morning, noon or night and you never judge me harshly for it.

You are different and it shows. Making me feel soooo good seems to be what you are soooo good at. If only I had taken an interest in you years ago. If I did then maybe we could have started a family by now. Me, you and two little Chipotle beans running around the yard, the American Dream realized.

Wait, please don’t go away—I don’t want to scare you off. We can take it slower. We don't have to pick out china patterns this soon.

Yes, that’s it. Rest quietly on my plate, my dear.

I will take the phone of the hook, turn the lights down and put on some Dean Martin.

Chipotle Black Bean Burger, I love you.

Happy Valentine's Day from Meatless Man.
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  1. :) too funny! Those black bean burgers aren't vegan (egg whites)but they are really good! May you enjoy your times together.

  2. I know they arn't vegan but it's okay if egg whites are a mixed in ingredient. I am not counting that.

    Besides, I am too far into a relationship with black bean burgers to pull out now!


  3. Morning Star chicken nuggets and bacon are delicious too! I agree on you with the Boca burgers, so boring.

  4. I hear Morningstar also makes meatless buffalo strips too! Yum!